T H E H E R E W I T H S TA N D A R D
This document shall be a binding agreement between two or more parties for the purpose of pursuing a casual relationship of a carnal nature. Said relationships and those who engage in them are often, but not exclusively, known as "FUCK-BUDDIES," "FRIENDS WHO FUCK," "FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS," "BOOTY CALLS," "FLING," "THING," or "HOOK-UP."
In any event, the essence of all such relationships will be a general lack of exclusivity. Lack of respect, love, compassion, or even like, are optional. Further, it must be understood that such relationships may even exist where both parties share a mutual dislike, distrust, hate, or loathing of the other party.
Terms & Conditions
Both parties hereby agree to consensual sexual activity, which in no way constitutes a traditional relationship, hereafter known as an "understanding." A "traditional relationship" is commonly known as, but not limited to, "dating," "serious dating," "long term relationship," "meaningful commitment," "seeing each other," "engagement" or "marriage."
While said understanding may consist of some of the hallmarks of a traditional relationship, any and all use of said hallmarks shall not constitute the development of a traditional relationship from an understanding. Any attempt to form a traditional relationship with the opposite party must be with express written consent
"Hallmarks" are defined as, but not limited to, "spending the night," "cuddling," "talking about your day, your problems, your dreams, your fears, or even talking at all," "being seen together in public," "calling for any reason other than sexual activity," "introducing the other party to either your friends or family," "caring one iota for the other person," or "buying the other person
A valid understanding is formed by express written consent prior to sexual activity. In the event that both parties engage in consensual sexual activity prior to formation, but still wish to form an understanding, such an understanding will be possible (and this document will have retroactive effect) if the activity was limited to less than three encounters over a seven day period, provided that there were no earmarks of a date, and neither party could possibly entertain the reasonable belief that all that sex must somehow constitute a traditional relationship. "earmarks" are defined as, but not limited to, "dinner," "drinks that are consumed at a mutually agreed upon appointment," "movie," "film," or any combination of the above, or any other activity commonly engaged in by people for the sole purpose of bedding the other party. "reasonable belief of a traditional relationship" will be a question for the jury, and the jury will consider such evidence of each party's past relationships, the films ‘Singles’, ‘Swingers’ and ‘Fatal Attraction’, and whether or not either party would have to be a damn fool to think that this was anything more than a booty call.
Either party may terminate the understanding without notice, although a curt e-mail would be considered polite, mature, and evidence of the ability of the terminating party to engage in future understandings An understanding may also be terminated by the act of engaging in a traditional relationship with another party or the current party. An understanding does not lapse or terminate if one or both parties move away, lose touch, have a fight, or fail to engage in sexual activity for more than 60 days. In the event of one of the above occurrences a pre-booty courtesy call or e-mail is required. Said calls must be made with the utmost discretion so as to avoid unfortunate situations with any mates the other party may have taken during the intervening period. An example of an appropriate call or e-mail follows: "Hello. This is ___________. I'm calling regarding your cell phone service." The above example
is an obvious lie, however, the truth is in no way acceptable or encouraged. Stating your name will identify you, the act of calling will signal your intent, the lie will protect the party receiving the call.
Any and all disputes arising out of this agreement shall be adjudicated in a court of public opinion consisting of friends of each party.
All is fair in love and war, your understanding likely to fall somewhere between the two. Damages shall be limited to loss of public reputation and shall only be available when a party knowingly agrees to the terms of this agreement and later claims that they thought the terms to mean something else. In that event, the non-stupid party shall have the right to act like a jerk but feel like a good person.
Agreed between these two parties in good faith on this date: